Family

April 24th 2009. I woke up to my Mum ringing my mobile, knowing I would be either getting up, or already on my way to work. Very calmly she told me that my dad had been in an accident. That he was okay. He was alive. And for now that is all that we could hope. My dad had been driving a trailer of wrecked cars down to Newcastle, when the driver of the other semi-trailer veered onto the wrong side of the road. The driver of the other vehicle died at the scene. My mum very calmly asked me to please call my sister, who lived in Townsville. She'd tried calling but my sister wasn't answering, and she knew that Alisyn would pick up if I called her at that time - she would know something is wrong.

Mum said that she was already in Lismore - she had gone down earlier that morning and had waited to see how Dad was before calling each of us. Later she told us that she wanted to see him first, and have her breakdown, before having to call and tell us how things were looking. She also told me not to rush down to see him. He was in and out of conciousness, and we probably wouldn't get to see him anyway as he was in ICU. I called my boss, and had a bit of a breakdown. We had a huge tender due that day, and I kept saying "I will come in, do that, and go home" and he very calmly told me to stay at home, wait and see what happens. That way if I need to go - I can do that. Just go. He rang numerous times throughout the day to see what the verdict was, and to keep updated on how things were going. I called one of my girlfriends, who came over and sat with me, and watched movies to keep my mind occupied. Chris had to go to work for the day, as he had alot to get done too, and since Mum had said not to rush down to Lismore (which is about a 3hr drive from Brisbane) I spent the day googling the accident, trying to find out as much as I could about what was going on. What had happened.

After organising my hockey commitments for the weekend, so that I could make the trip down on the Saturday, and ensuring that we had all my commitments covered, we went down to see him. He was in a pretty bad way. I saw him just lying there and passed out. Luckily Chris was there to catch me otherwise I very well could've ended up in the bed beside him. Dad, Bless him, was more worried about me than what he was himself. His injuries were quite extensive - he had a few broken ribs, broken collarbone, fractured vertebrae, broken nose, glass embedded all over his body, two broken arms, shattered kneecap, broken bones in his ankles..and the list goes on. He later had to have surgery on his kneecap - basically they did a bone graft from his hip to his knee to rebuild what had been shattered. He was unable to be moved from Lismore from weeks, and when he finally was, he was moved to a hospital in brisbane - closer to home. He spent a while in there, recieving endless surgeries and treatments. And finally, he was able to go home. His rehab is ongoing, he won't ever be the same again. For such a strong man, I saw him at his weakest, solely reliant on my mother to feed him, shower him, clothe him. I see the emotion in his eyes when he plays with the grandkids, how upset he gets when talking about that day. What went through his mind.

He told me that he was lying there, just telling himself to stay awake. He knew if he had've drifted out of conciousness, he wouldn't have woken up. He told me he felt bad for the family of the other driver, but in a way he was glad it wasn't his family having to deal with that loss. We found out that being the strong person he is - as soon as it happened - he put a warning out on the radio (even as messed up as he was) to warn other drivers of the accident, as it was around a bend and there was a high chance another truck could have hit the wreckage. He told me that he kept himself awake just thinking about us - his kids - and my mum. He told us how he tried to call my mum's mobile to tell her something had happened, because he didn't want her to find out second hand from someone else. When he couldn't get through, and the police finally showed up to the scene, he demanded that the local police back home go around to be with her when she found out...he didn't want her to be alone. He was so strong - so tough - in such a time of crisis. He never stopped thinking about his family - not even to think of himself.

My Dad has always been a huge inspiration to me. Yes we've had our differences, but coming so close to losing him made us all realise how much we still want him around. My Mum - such an amazing woman - showed true strength to just be beside him. Help him through his rehab. It showed me the importance of the vows you make when you commit to marrying someone. It's not "till I can't do this anymore" ... it really is "till death". My Mum showed me that. My parents showed me that.

Everyone has their differences...everyone has hiccups in life. But its how we overcome these, and the strength we show to move forward in life, that make us the people that we are today.

 My Dad in hospital nearly a week after the accident - with my niece Isabella - so proud to be a Grandad. All he wanted was some photos with the kids just in case he didn't make it. He wanted them to remember him.

http://www.farnorthcoaster.com.au/news/4139/semi-trailers-collide-near-iluka-driver-dies/

An article on the accident.

  The difference time can make. Mum and Dad - a year on from the accident at our Engagement party.

Truth, Lies & Forgiveness

A lie has speed. But truth has endurance.

I remember the day that everything unfolded like it was yesterday. Things hadn't been good for a while. My body was constantly run down. I never wanted to be intimate anymore. I didn't desire the things a normal young female should. Knowing what I know now about my health would have made it all alot simpler. But the fact is, I can't change what happened. I learnt to accept that...and I have been able to move forward.

At the time, both my partner and I were at breaking point. We were living with his younger brother, which put even more stress on our relationship. I loved him. I still do love him. But I wasn't coping. Neither of us were. He worked long hours. We didn't see each other. Which is why I never really saw it coming. I was so used to the routine. I was so used to things just being that way, that when he came out and told me that he'd slept with another woman a year before - I felt every part of me break. It was only once. And a kiss here or there. I wasn't satisfying him. He was drunk. It was all there. I was at work, and he had emailed me. I had been pestering him, wanting to know why he was so closed off. Why he wouldn't talk to me. So when I saw that on the screen in front of me, I was thankful that I had an early mark from work to go to uni. Instead I went and sat in the park. Thinking. Whilst my inability to be the other half of the 'couple' at the time may have instigated it, I wasn't wholly to blame for why things were failing. Somehow, that made me feel a bit better.

Don't get me wrong, there was plenty of screaming matches. I moved him into another room. I needed to get my thoughts together. But above all - and I still say this to him now - I hated the fact that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't see my life without him. I want to be with him, I always have since the day we met. My problems became his problems, and I was far too closed off to see that I was dragging us both down. Don't judge him. He was honest with me, and I think that was harder than keeping the lies going. It would have been easy for him to just pretend things were okay. Better. Or to walk away without a reason. But he was honest. He told me so that I could decide. Stay. Or Go.

I found solace with girlfriends, food, and wine. The days all blended into one. I was sick again. I wanted to run away and never be found. But I had commitments. I was exhausted all the time. It consumed my thoughts...and the I consumed food. My weight increased, but I didn't care. Emotional eating is my biggest downfall. I can see that now. We'd been together for nearly 5 years when he told me. Such a long time. My heart was broken. I thought I could never trust him, or any man, again. I hated the fact his parents thought I was the source of our problems. They wanted us to take a break - not knowing the whole story. A break would never have worked. I don't think I could've gone away leaving it open for him to just...be single again. Neither of us wanted that. So I pushed him into telling them what happened. Told him to be honest - make them see it wasn't my fault. In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best idea. But, over time, I have formed a great relationship with his parents now. I love their son, and every day that I am with him it seems like we love each other more. And I trust him. It took time, but I do. He saw how much he hurt me. And I know he wouldn't do it again. Of that I am sure.

We got engaged on New Years Eve 2009. About five months after the whole fiasco. Alot of people thought we had rushed it - but it wasn't like we wanted to go and get married straight away. It was a chance for us to start again, a new year, a new decade. A new life together. That's when life started again for me. It was as if doors opened, and my health problems - although still under treatment - were starting to be fixed. My tonsils came out, and straight away I improved. Things were good. Are good.

I have never loved anyone more than I love him. The cat & dog come an equal 2nd (don't tell him that), but I cannot wait for our future. We've been through so much already, and now that things are starting to look up, and while my weight slowly goes back down, it feels like we are on a path to happiness.

I am thankful for everything. For truth, lies and forgiveness. They make me who I am today. 

I am a better person because of all that has happened. 

I am happy.

“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”

Bryant H McGill

Trust

Whenever I take a hit in hockey, a ball to the face, a broken hand, I shake it off and walk away with pride, knowing I've given it my all. My team trusted me to give 100%, and I put it all on the line for them. My team is like my family. Put it all on the line, and in a minute you can be knocked down...broken. But if you get back up, shake it off, and move forward, it makes you stronger. They say to get back on the horse if you fall off. But remember, it isn't the horses fault. So don't blame them. Instead, with grace, dignity and poise, pull yourself back up and show it how much you can trust...it's the hardest thing to do, but by pulling yourself back up onto it's back, you'll form a bond that's unbreakable.

My problems with my weight started a few years ago. I was 58kg, super fit and in general loving life. Had an amazing boyfriend, I was living on/off with him, working part time, studying (albeit halfheartedly) and things couldn't be better. It wasn't until my obsession with my weight became just that - an obsession. I calorie counted - stuck to my 1200 calories a day - ran 10k - overworked myself because 58kg was never low enough. No, I wanted to be 55. The number that eluded me was all I wanted. 55. 55. 55. 55. I never stopped thinking about weight. Everytime I put something in my mouth - I was calculating calories. It was no way to live. Eventually, at hockey people started talking. Rumors of eating disorders made me even more paranoid that people thought I was 'fat'. I was successful in hockey - making my first National Umpiring Tournament Debut - and doing very well. I assumed it was because I was skinny...fit.

This world that I lived in came crashing to a holt when one by one, medical blows seemed to overcome me. Appendix out. Wisdom teeth out. Hockey ball to the head. Tonsilitis endlessly...finally Tonsils out. It was never ending. Blow by blow, I was in hospital on and off for one thing or another for a few years...every six months, I was sick again. Something new. Finally, my tonsils were the last straw. I'd been sick for six months, barely scraping a fortnight before requiring penicillin, which did nothing to help my tiredness, energy levels and ultimate weight gain. In this time, I'd gained nearly 16 kilos - weighing in for weight watchers for the first time as 73.4. The absolute heaviest I'd ever been in my life. I always thought I was very fit. Sporty. But somewhere along the line...that person died and I became a shell of who I used to be. I went through the motions. Work. Sleep. Eat. I couldn't exercise. I couldn't study. I could barely get out of bed of a morning. The doctor kept saying 'everything was normal'. And I believed him...he is a doctor after all. Blood tests - nothing. Apparently, by all means, I was healthy.

Finally, I'd had enough. My relationship was failing, I was going nowhere, I was putting on weight. My hair was falling out - in chunks. I'd tried everything. Until I heard of my current doctor. Who specialises in hormone treatments. Having never thought that the contraceptive pill could be so damaging, I was shocked to discover that I had no free testosterone, way too much estrogen, no B12, no Folate, virtually all my vitamins were low. And I had extremely high amounts of this protein called SHBG - which basically binds any free testosterone I was able to produce together. Hence the reason that intimacy with my boyfriend (of five years now) had died. We didn't have a relationship to be honest...we were more like roomates for a period. I mean I love him, always have, don't get me wrong. But with this having failed over the course of about three years since first starting on the pill - things weren't in a good place for either of us. I withdrew completely - trying to work myself out was hard enough, let alone trying to work on 'us'. Basically - the way my doctor described it - my body - whilst going through the motions of a normal 23 year old female, was in a menopausal state. I physically wasn't able to lose weight because I didn't have the right anabolics to do this. I was tired because my body wasn't producing what it needed to. All because of the pill.

Getting answers was great...don't get me wrong. But by then alot of damage had been done...alot of damage that was hard to fix, but that I can honestly say has made me a better person today. I'm now a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Without the last few years of my life, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am engaged, with the wedding set for early 2012. I am planning a life, a future.

I was out jogging with my gorgeous puppy Max this afternoon. And for a moment I just thought "how did i get here?" - this life I have seems so surreal sometimes. But after heartache, heartbreak and constant health problems...I'm glad that I made it...I realise now I have a strength I never thought I did. I will explain more about that later...but for now I leave you with this...in times of trouble, when you've been knocked off that horse, if a friend sticks out their hand to help - don't let your pride get in the way of taking it. Because you never know when they will need you to stick out your hand for them.

L.O.V.E

Love knows no limit to its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope; it can outlast anything. Love still stands when all else has fallen

I had an interesting experience on the weekend. My Fiancee's mum explained what 'faith' and being Catholic meant to her. Love. The love that she has for her children, her husband. The love she sees between myself and her son. The love for her parents. The love for everyone around her. This is what it means to be Catholic to her.

I start with this because firstly, I'm not Catholic. I'm Anglican. This whole conversation was sparked when discussion of 'potential' children arose in an afternoon chat after the races. Now, let's get one thing straight...at this stage in my life, I'm still discovering who I am, let alone who my children would be. But nonetheless, hearing this made me realise that without Love, the last few years of my life would have spiralled into a black hole. It was love that brought me out of that and to be the person I am today. And whilst I'm not saying that I'm wholly religious - in fact - I attend Church once a year if that - but if Love it what it means to follow religion, then I guess I do. Because I've learnt how to trust. That people make mistakes. And that above anything...I've learnt how to love, and that if we fill our hearts with it...we can become whole.

I guess for you to understand where I am, and where I'm going...the person that I was, I am, and that I'm hoping to be, it is important to explain how I've ended up here. I need somewhere to express myself, where I'm not judged, and where I can tell my story from the bottom of my heart in all its sadness, happiness and pride - and where I can just be 'me' - a person who I thought a long time ago that I'd lost.

 This photo is of me at the Races in October 2010 - I've maintained my weight since then. I still have 15kgs to lose to be where I want to be for my wedding.

To  become the 'real' me, I still have a long way to go with my weight loss. But I'm getting there. And I'm willing to do what I need to to make sure I do.

Happiness & Beauty is both inside and out. You can't have one without the other.