Trust

Whenever I take a hit in hockey, a ball to the face, a broken hand, I shake it off and walk away with pride, knowing I've given it my all. My team trusted me to give 100%, and I put it all on the line for them. My team is like my family. Put it all on the line, and in a minute you can be knocked down...broken. But if you get back up, shake it off, and move forward, it makes you stronger. They say to get back on the horse if you fall off. But remember, it isn't the horses fault. So don't blame them. Instead, with grace, dignity and poise, pull yourself back up and show it how much you can trust...it's the hardest thing to do, but by pulling yourself back up onto it's back, you'll form a bond that's unbreakable.

My problems with my weight started a few years ago. I was 58kg, super fit and in general loving life. Had an amazing boyfriend, I was living on/off with him, working part time, studying (albeit halfheartedly) and things couldn't be better. It wasn't until my obsession with my weight became just that - an obsession. I calorie counted - stuck to my 1200 calories a day - ran 10k - overworked myself because 58kg was never low enough. No, I wanted to be 55. The number that eluded me was all I wanted. 55. 55. 55. 55. I never stopped thinking about weight. Everytime I put something in my mouth - I was calculating calories. It was no way to live. Eventually, at hockey people started talking. Rumors of eating disorders made me even more paranoid that people thought I was 'fat'. I was successful in hockey - making my first National Umpiring Tournament Debut - and doing very well. I assumed it was because I was skinny...fit.

This world that I lived in came crashing to a holt when one by one, medical blows seemed to overcome me. Appendix out. Wisdom teeth out. Hockey ball to the head. Tonsilitis endlessly...finally Tonsils out. It was never ending. Blow by blow, I was in hospital on and off for one thing or another for a few years...every six months, I was sick again. Something new. Finally, my tonsils were the last straw. I'd been sick for six months, barely scraping a fortnight before requiring penicillin, which did nothing to help my tiredness, energy levels and ultimate weight gain. In this time, I'd gained nearly 16 kilos - weighing in for weight watchers for the first time as 73.4. The absolute heaviest I'd ever been in my life. I always thought I was very fit. Sporty. But somewhere along the line...that person died and I became a shell of who I used to be. I went through the motions. Work. Sleep. Eat. I couldn't exercise. I couldn't study. I could barely get out of bed of a morning. The doctor kept saying 'everything was normal'. And I believed him...he is a doctor after all. Blood tests - nothing. Apparently, by all means, I was healthy.

Finally, I'd had enough. My relationship was failing, I was going nowhere, I was putting on weight. My hair was falling out - in chunks. I'd tried everything. Until I heard of my current doctor. Who specialises in hormone treatments. Having never thought that the contraceptive pill could be so damaging, I was shocked to discover that I had no free testosterone, way too much estrogen, no B12, no Folate, virtually all my vitamins were low. And I had extremely high amounts of this protein called SHBG - which basically binds any free testosterone I was able to produce together. Hence the reason that intimacy with my boyfriend (of five years now) had died. We didn't have a relationship to be honest...we were more like roomates for a period. I mean I love him, always have, don't get me wrong. But with this having failed over the course of about three years since first starting on the pill - things weren't in a good place for either of us. I withdrew completely - trying to work myself out was hard enough, let alone trying to work on 'us'. Basically - the way my doctor described it - my body - whilst going through the motions of a normal 23 year old female, was in a menopausal state. I physically wasn't able to lose weight because I didn't have the right anabolics to do this. I was tired because my body wasn't producing what it needed to. All because of the pill.

Getting answers was great...don't get me wrong. But by then alot of damage had been done...alot of damage that was hard to fix, but that I can honestly say has made me a better person today. I'm now a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. Without the last few years of my life, I wouldn't be where I am today. I am engaged, with the wedding set for early 2012. I am planning a life, a future.

I was out jogging with my gorgeous puppy Max this afternoon. And for a moment I just thought "how did i get here?" - this life I have seems so surreal sometimes. But after heartache, heartbreak and constant health problems...I'm glad that I made it...I realise now I have a strength I never thought I did. I will explain more about that later...but for now I leave you with this...in times of trouble, when you've been knocked off that horse, if a friend sticks out their hand to help - don't let your pride get in the way of taking it. Because you never know when they will need you to stick out your hand for them.