I remember the day that everything unfolded like it was yesterday. Things hadn't been good for a while. My body was constantly run down. I never wanted to be intimate anymore. I didn't desire the things a normal young female should. Knowing what I know now about my health would have made it all alot simpler. But the fact is, I can't change what happened. I learnt to accept that...and I have been able to move forward.
At the time, both my partner and I were at breaking point. We were living with his younger brother, which put even more stress on our relationship. I loved him. I still do love him. But I wasn't coping. Neither of us were. He worked long hours. We didn't see each other. Which is why I never really saw it coming. I was so used to the routine. I was so used to things just being that way, that when he came out and told me that he'd slept with another woman a year before - I felt every part of me break. It was only once. And a kiss here or there. I wasn't satisfying him. He was drunk. It was all there. I was at work, and he had emailed me. I had been pestering him, wanting to know why he was so closed off. Why he wouldn't talk to me. So when I saw that on the screen in front of me, I was thankful that I had an early mark from work to go to uni. Instead I went and sat in the park. Thinking. Whilst my inability to be the other half of the 'couple' at the time may have instigated it, I wasn't wholly to blame for why things were failing. Somehow, that made me feel a bit better.
Don't get me wrong, there was plenty of screaming matches. I moved him into another room. I needed to get my thoughts together. But above all - and I still say this to him now - I hated the fact that no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't see my life without him. I want to be with him, I always have since the day we met. My problems became his problems, and I was far too closed off to see that I was dragging us both down. Don't judge him. He was honest with me, and I think that was harder than keeping the lies going. It would have been easy for him to just pretend things were okay. Better. Or to walk away without a reason. But he was honest. He told me so that I could decide. Stay. Or Go.
I found solace with girlfriends, food, and wine. The days all blended into one. I was sick again. I wanted to run away and never be found. But I had commitments. I was exhausted all the time. It consumed my thoughts...and the I consumed food. My weight increased, but I didn't care. Emotional eating is my biggest downfall. I can see that now. We'd been together for nearly 5 years when he told me. Such a long time. My heart was broken. I thought I could never trust him, or any man, again. I hated the fact his parents thought I was the source of our problems. They wanted us to take a break - not knowing the whole story. A break would never have worked. I don't think I could've gone away leaving it open for him to just...be single again. Neither of us wanted that. So I pushed him into telling them what happened. Told him to be honest - make them see it wasn't my fault. In hindsight, it probably wasn't the best idea. But, over time, I have formed a great relationship with his parents now. I love their son, and every day that I am with him it seems like we love each other more. And I trust him. It took time, but I do. He saw how much he hurt me. And I know he wouldn't do it again. Of that I am sure.
We got engaged on New Years Eve 2009. About five months after the whole fiasco. Alot of people thought we had rushed it - but it wasn't like we wanted to go and get married straight away. It was a chance for us to start again, a new year, a new decade. A new life together. That's when life started again for me. It was as if doors opened, and my health problems - although still under treatment - were starting to be fixed. My tonsils came out, and straight away I improved. Things were good. Are good.
I have never loved anyone more than I love him. The cat & dog come an equal 2nd (don't tell him that), but I cannot wait for our future. We've been through so much already, and now that things are starting to look up, and while my weight slowly goes back down, it feels like we are on a path to happiness.
I am thankful for everything. For truth, lies and forgiveness. They make me who I am today.
I am a better person because of all that has happened.
I am happy.
“There is no love without forgiveness, and there is no forgiveness without love.”
Bryant H McGill
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